Excerpt Poem
BY Anupama Pilbrow
Excerpt from Sometimes I'd Like to Die and Climb Inside You Poem
One evening we discover his body
is --–– a dual sim phone with space
on the inside for ––—–––-–– but
we do not know —––– -– -– and we
are searching for some evidence
of this phenomenon occurring –
––– –––– ––– ––––––-–– ––– –-––-––
––––-––. It isn’t an accident that we
are making this discovery for some
time I have been thinking and
dreaming and feeling that ––––– -–
––—–––-–– ––––– –– ––—–––-–– –––
––-–– ––––– and feeling an out-of-
body itchiness reaching and
reaching to find the location
where I can scratch it. We start the
search on the outside ––––––-––
–-––––– -––– ––––– –-–––– –––––
looking for the itch mapping the
external body I am the one feeling
the itch and he is not noticing it so
much and we both are feeling ––
–––-––– about geometry of skin
and bones and —–––. The driving
force of course is my love and also
–-– love ––– —– looking for a
method to feel true at oneness I
want to scratch his body and feel
the itch –––– in my own and I –—
–––-––– –– think of hypothetical
moments in our future when we
can find the location of the itch I
am thinking when he scratches on
the itch it will wake me up out of
even the deepest sleep and I will
feel alert like I have been –––––––
-––– a new –—––––––– of body and
reality. We are spending days and
weeks looking all over the surface
and thinking oh the human body is
so vast and how much skin is there
–– –––– ––– ––— stretchy is it
really how wide ––– -– –– ––--––
––– —––– -– ––– ––—–––-–––
–––—––– ––– loose and taut
measures of area. I am always
commenting on the softness and
smoothness and beauty of his
–––– and we are both feeling
stumped by the itch because we
are thinking is there –––––-–– we
could have missed in all these
years? We are not finding the
location and —– are at a loss I am
growing itchier by the minute and
feeling –– –––– ––––––––-––
overcoming me and both of us
and I am declaring a new
expedition to discover —–––– —–
-––– –-—– ––--––. What was taking
weeks now takes double weeks I
am taking a magnifying glass on
each inspection and searching
searching using my eyes until they
are sore from always looking at
the uniform and perfect skin which
is –– -–––––-–-– –––-–—-–––– and
free of any itchiness free of any
hidden ––––––. My eyes are
feeling sore and crying the itch is
becoming ––-––––––-– even he is
feeling it now deeply
uncomfortable and we are trying
to locate the coordinates of it I am
–––--–– now with the itch itself a
high stakes ––—– –– Marco Polo in
a vast ocean and he is feeling it
too we are closing in on it
unmistakeably and we find after
––—– —––– ––––-–-–– ––––– ––––
have passed it is in the chest
cavity. It is hiding in there inside a
lung leaping from left to right side
of the body in irregular -––––––-–
––-– staying still long enough to
cause a stinging and irresistible
discomfort and we are ––––– ––
––– ––––-–– –––-–– –– -––– -–
–––––––-–– ––– ––––– ––—
confusing ourselves with
wondering how to get at it. I am
thinking all types of disturbing
––-––– -—––-–-–– ––— sword
swallowers can scratch in places
forbidden to most ––— the
solution may need to be so
–-—--––-– surgical. And when we
are giving up or so close to it –––
–-—––– unable to sit down or sit
––--- because the itch itself is now
unbearable I am feeling struck on
the head --–– –– -–––-–––-–– –– –– –
––––– –––— ––– –––––– and I am
realising it is so –-—–-–. I ask him
to sit still upon the edge of a chair
so I can brace my one hand on his
back and even though he is so
itchy I am asking for him to not
moving and he is looking in my
eyes and I ––––– ––––––– ––– –––––
––– –-–– -–. There is the itch. And I
am scratching it. And then I am
scratching it and I am –––-––-––
and ––---–– up ––---–– into his chest
until I am in the location of the itch
and my own body is disappeared
and it feels like lying in a warm
bath without having a body and I
am saying without saying my
goodness this is delightful and he
is agreeing. I am become the -–––
and I am so hiding and so hidden
and I am feeling --–– - –––-– ––––
––––––– until he is taking me back
out –––-– ––– looking at me and
we are –––– –––--–– so surprised
we were not thinking all this was
––––-–-– ––––– ––– constraints ––––-–-– ––
––-– place where we are living and
I am resuming —– bodliness –––
—– ––– looking at each other
smiling smiling I am not realising
–––-- I am saying it oh you must put
me back I wish I –––-– –––– -– –––––
––––––– and forever -– has
becoming a certain secret thing
between us I am spending time
there when I need – ––––-– –––
sometimes he is feeling itchy there
and I am ––-–– -– there to scratch
the itch and we ––– shamelessly
–-––––-–– the laws of nature and on
—– –––––– –– –-––– –––––-–-–– –––––
- put up a hammock and - –—
–-––-–– ––––– with a ukelele which
was already in there –––– -– defying
–-- –-–– and it is so uncertain and
un–––––––-– we are not –––--––
––—––––––-– telling our friends –––
-– -–so convenient –––––--– -– travel
costs and we are ending up so
accustomed to it and after a little
while —––– - –— getting quite
good at -–-–– -– ––– ––——––– and
relaxing all my physical
boundaries we eventually –––
–––– -–– —– try out moving a few
of his toes and sometimes I am
even in charge of shaking hands
or undoing his ––––-–––– and he is
taking little rest ––– –––– when I
am each time coming out –––-–
we two are feeling so overjoyed
and full of life because at the end
of all our searching expeditioning
we have journeyed and found the
place we were seeking.
Anupama Pilbrow is the Reviews Editor at Cordite Poetry Review. She is a PhD student at the University of New South Wales researching early science fiction and representations of water. She is the author of chapbook Body Poems, released as part of the deciBels 3 series (Vagabond 2018).